I've been dreading this pain for awhile now.
And I can't believe my peers.

From day to day, those same cold-hearted stares,
snarling gossip,
and endless criticism,
Is too much for me to handle.

I never once judged you.
I don't make comments on your hair,
face,
shoes,
outfit,
or life.

Why do you choose to do the same to me?

I may be different,
You can call me a freak,
But I don't consider myself to be part of your lies.

Sure I have my friends,
who you may call weird,
freaky,
or nerds.

But I still love them.

Sure they talk about the same things all the time:
Sex, Drugs, Anime/Manga, More Sex, and Cartoons.
And yes, it gets to me all the time,
but do I say anything?

No.

It wouldn't make a difference.
Sure they may be a little, out there,
but when I need some advice,
they know what they're talking about.

I can relate to them much more,
than I could ever relate to you.

They get into fights, arguements, and debates,
that lasts for days,
Seeing them get hurt,
crying over their pains,
and watching them ignore each other for months.

It's difficult.
Sometimes I just want to punch some of them in the face.
But I know I don't have the guts to do so.
I'm not that strong, or brave.

I wish they would all stop.
Realize what in the hell are they fighting about?
And why has the fight lasted this long?

Some see it,
others don't.

A lot of my friends have no idea what's going on,
in my life, and at home.

They know about the details,
but they don't understand.

I know that they are fed up with me,
talking about my issues when I want to tell them,
but they don't understand.

They don't understand what goes through mind everyday.
They can't comprehend the way I'm feeling.

They don't know that it kills me when they do nothing more,
but fight each other,
ignore/annoy each other,
and talk about the same conversation over and over again.

Believe me,
I love my friends,
and I wish we could all just put these endless bickers behind us.

Some of us aren't that brave.
I know I'm one of them.

I'm not strong,
or Brave,
to do something that I wish I could have the guts to do.

I'm in too much pain,
seeing my family being torn apart.
Having to deal with this heart-ache,
for the past few years of my life.

Keeping all of my emotions bundled up together,
and never pouring out my feelings to my family or friends.

I sense that they want to care,
and try to help,
but they can't.

My friends try to understand what's going on through my head,
and they give me advice,
but I can't act upon those suggestions.

I'm too afraid.
Weak,
and Defenseless.

I can't talk to the guy I've had a crush on for two years.
I can't tell him how I feel.
I can't yell at my family for all that they have put me through.
I can't tell the posers at my school to back off of me.

I just can't.

I've been in pain, for too long.
I cry myself to sleep everyday over these issues.

Knowing my family will never be able to patch things up like they were before.
Knowing that my friends can never change who they are,
I don't want them to.
Knowing that the guy that I have a serious crush on, will never like me.

There's too much drama in my life.
Too much pain, for me to endure.
With no one to talk to,
because they don't care.

I can't trust them.

I understand that I may be a bitch,
smart-ass,
lazy,
nerdy,
loud,
annoying,
rude,
and shy.

You get that impression of me, don't you?

My family thinks that.
My friends think that.
Those people who judge and hate me think that.
And I'm most certain that the guy I like, also thinks that.

I can't change who I am.
Nor can I change the way someone looks,
thinks,
behaves around me.

I know what I'm talking about.
I've seen it all.
I've heard it all before.

Please don't say or act like you know me,
or understand the way I feel.

Please don't hate me for what I look like,
or what I've done in the past.

Please don't judge me based upon your first impression of me.

For whatever I did to make you angry,
upset,
or hate me.

I'm sorry.

But please understand,
I'm dealing with a lot of pain right now.

Please understand that I hate my life,
and I wish things could be different,
but I'm not going to change for you.

I am who I am.

Nothing more,
Nothing less.

Only Me.